If you can't stand the heat

I would assume the news is out now. Heidi’s colon cancer has re appeared. The technical term is “recurred” although I wonder if statistically they would term it a new case since the 5 year mark is considered “cured”. So much for that.

I always thought it would come back. That some little cell was out there lurking in the darkness waiting for it’s time. I have to give it some human characteristics because otherwise I can’t hate it as much. Biblically if you name something, it gives it power. I am willing cede power to cancer. It has it. It wields it in curious and uncontrolled ways. It lurks in blood cells in the kids in the hospital. My little friends and I have had a tough time with it. It makes us cry and cry out. It brings 40 year olds to their knees in their dining rooms.

I hate it. With every fiber of my being, I hate it.

But the news isn’t always so grim. I have been amazed, shocked, and downright appalled at the reactions we have gotten. I understand folks react in different ways. I really do understand. It is scary and people care. And we appreciate that. Those of you who may read this I apologize ahead of time. You may be offended but this is my blog and you need to work with that.

There are those who have indeed felt the shit hit the fan with us. Who have called it like it is. The unfairness of it and the anger we have felt. Alongside the hope we have. Thank you for standing in the line of fire.

There are those who seem to see nothing but pity. And don’t think we can’t hear it or see it in your eyes. The eyes that seem to have us six feet under before we get started. And I know the look because I have had it too. But I am done with that now. That is not to say I won’t cry. That is not to say I won’t be afraid. But as a wise woman once told me (last week!), fearing something will happen does not make it a forgone conclusion. We will get through this. We were never promised a rose garden in the first place. I don’t know why it happened. So don’t ask me again.

The funniest name I have heard it called is a “colon problem”. Well, yeah it is that. Just a slight one. I think that statement was followed by a plea for a miracle. That was helpful let me tell you. There are miracles everyday. And we are one whether we have colon CANCER or not.

So don’t go freaking out on us. Don’t go selling us down the river. Just stand in there with us and if it gets too hot, then get the hell out of the kitchen.

It’s small in there anyway.

Enough Already

She had had enough already.

I stepped into a little friend’s room today after hearing her cry. I thought it was another little friend but it wasn’t.

My little buddy isn’t one to cry. Or at least that I have seen. She was to have a CAT scan of her chest and stomach. I don’t know if it was scheduled or not. I asked her if she was scared and she said she was. I asked her what she was afraid of and she said she has to have a shot to make her go to sleep so they can do the test. She has had enough of those already too. She wants to go home.

My little friend has cancer. I am not sure what kind and it really doesn’t matter much. There are so damn many these days. They can name it whatever they want to, ALL, AML, MLL; all sorts of alphabet names that designate the types and the cells that keep dividing and conquering. The treatment is the same no matter what. A body is betrayed by whatever is in it and so we invade the same body with stuff that requires a shot or a port or an IV. As if that makes it all better. It may make it better. Or it may not.

So we cry because sometimes, there is nothing else to do.