Deep End of the Pool

I am depressed. Or at least my counselor and I think I am.

I had tried to “break up” with her but I couldn't. She let me go for a bit. I knew she would. I was “stuffing” she said. She was right but I couldn’t sit in the shit 24/7 and function. But then the shit hit the fan over something relatively minor and all the walls cracked at the same time.

So we are back together again.

She tells me I am “very high functioning”. I think I knew that. I function very well, thank you.

But I know where I am.

I am in the darkness.I have been here before. In the depth of the deep end of a pool. The bottom is elusive though I try nearly every day to get there. I think I find it only to have it slip deeper down. I know this darkness. It has come before and gone. It will go again. I have known it from early on.

I lose people. People I need to have around. They die. They don’t do it on purpose but their loss is profound.

I need a touchstone. The one I have has slipped. And I have no more. Maybe that is it. The realization that I have lost the bedrock; the one or ones who keep me secure. And you can’t go buy one at Lowe’s. Touchstones just are. And you just don’t look for them. They seem to find you.

I am waiting to be found.